Author Archives: pinkdragon

About pinkdragon

This blog © is my stress buster. I won’t call it personal diary. Its much more than that. A realm of raw emotions. A part of me that I cherish and love a lot. Emotions play an upheaval in everyone’s life every now and then. I just take out time and share with you all my carnival of emotions. Try to at least. If you want more of me, there’s always my facebook page. http://www.facebook.com/WhisperingWhites

To always knowing your worth.

“I will tell you, my daughter

of your worth

not your beauty

everyday. (your beauty is a given. Every being is born beautiful)

Knowing your worth,

can save your life

Raising you on beauty alone;

you will be starved

you will be raw

you will be weak

an easy stomach

always in need of someone telling you how beautiful you are. ”

 


“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

I often wondered why people were so crazy about that city. What could possibly happen in that darned claustrophobic place that made everyone a heartfelt writer when they wrote about Bombay. It’s messy, it’s super fast, it’s insanely expensive and over there, time truly means money.

My time in Bombay or like they call it Mumbai, was nothing less than a roller coaster ride.  From the time I left my city and began my journey, I had no clue what life would be like, but one thing I was certain of, it won’t ever be the same.

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Today, one year later I’m back to the place I was longing to leave. I took a decision to come back and continue my education. It was a wise and rational move keeping in mind where I see myself 5 and 10 years down the line.

But it hurts so much to be wise in life sometimes. I miss Mumbai so much. I miss being the person that I was there. I miss breathing that salty air, I miss the black and yellow cabs. The streets of bandra hill road, my absolutely favorite south bombay, my nutella shake, the local rides (I could literally write a book on my experiences in the local), the ola shares. The feeling of being in Forever21 and shopping. Zara! The live music nights, dancing like my tomorrow will be happier than its ever been. Grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning (had no idea I’d miss this!). My aqua aerobics, my quest to be better in life, to eat better, to think better, to love better. Life was nothing less than a full blown struggle over there, and I had come to love living that life.

I have felt a myriad of emotions and feelings in the city of dreams. It started with excitement, rigor, nervousness, then feeling helpless with accommodation, angry at the unfairness, aggrieved and upset with myself and life, that slowly transcended into strength, grit to stand up back on my feet, acceptance, new found belief and love for myself.

Plus the sea, it always made everything better..

When I look back at my journey, I feel so proud of going through whatever I did and coming out of it stronger, happier and better. Since I’ve been back, I’ve had this inexplicable feeling of loneliness. Ironically, I have everyone I love around me, fighting their own battles and demons.

Before I lose my train of thought, I have to mention how deeply thankful I am to the universe for giving my wanderer soul food for thought (and travel). I have traveled to 10 cities in the past one year and I couldn’t have been more thankful for the memories I have made. Exactly one year back I had never imagined the countless memories, experiences and opportunities this one year would give me. I dint know I could travel alone, discover new places on my own, survive and live on my own.

The feeling when you board that flight on your own, when you’re alone with your thoughts with no connectivity, watching the clouds and just being is beautiful beyond words. The nervousness when you enter an absolutely new city at night, the strength and courage and feeling of accomplishment that comes when you take an uber to your destination on your own and arrive safe, sound and happy. The feeling of independence and strength that you get from carrying all your luggage on your own. Travelling doesn’t just fill your camera roll, it also fills your soul.

Along with all the living alone and discovering them cities, I started to discover myself. I believe I know myself better, though I’m still a little lost, but that’s okay I guess.

I wish to travel ❤ and live in many cities of the world, but along with that, I also wish that I get to live in Mumbai again.. It has been my best hello and hardest goodbye. It added a prefix to my #princess, it made me a #warriorprincess.

PinkDragon will always belong to Mumbai; It will always be home.

+ PinkDragon +

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


Love, like I know best.

In the early years, it was mostly longing. It was a relationship of few words; spending time when he would come during his vacations. Memories; him playing with my hair, pulling my cheeks and protecting me from everyone. One thing was evident to me even as a child, despite what everyone said, my brother was gentle.

Years later, we get to spend every day under the same roof.

I’m busy cramming up chemistry equations for my exam the next day. The family has been warned not to disturb. Bam, load shedding! I rest my head on my palm in silent frustration, tears strolling down. He pats my head, “Its God’s way of actually making sure you take a break” and hands me my favorite packet of chips to munch in the beautiful stormy weather. Ten minutes later, electricity returns. I smile, pick up my pencil with a calmer mind and get back to books.

I have a particularly long day at school. I retreat to my room. He peers inside: “Mom and dad have had a fight”. I watch him sit beside her all evening, offering poor imitations of his silly friends and telling jokes that aren’t funny. I chuckle and join in. We discuss our day as I sip on my favorite hot chocolate. I tell him about my struggle of getting a summer internship, “Take a deep breath, it will all work out.” Dinner is served. He whispers across the table: “Are you going to waste that rice?”

He is the least expressive in our family, but he pokes his head into each of our rooms for a second each day, possibly just to make sure we’re still there. He inquires about my whereabouts, protectively making sure his baby sister knows all her self defense moves, while pretending to be the ‘cool’ elder brother. He always asked me if I had a happy day. In the frenzy of achievements, and applications, love and hurt, troubles and disappointments, bhaiya is a soft reminder of what matters.

Having faced one of the biggest turmoils of my life of not being able to pursue the course I wanted to, or go to the college I worked hard for, I was crying profusely. My dream had been broken into pieces and I was aching. He got up and hugged me, probably the first time that he ever hugged me. After me ruining his shirt with my tears and nose droppings, he looked at me and said “Your dream isn’t over, I’ll make sure that it isn’t.”

My big brother has always beat me at arm wrestling yet lets me have the remote when he knows I’ve had a long day, without a fight. As he offers to hold my bags, I secretly wonder if he thinks I’ve grown up too. Our relationship is changing, and we grow increasingly different. Yet, fundamentally, the same.

Brave fronts, bitter words, despair; we’ve made it through all. I have wept, been angry, and upset in his presence a countless number of times. He continues to watch his show, silently patting my hand.

Karan bhaiya shows me a simple truth.

I too, am gentle.

+PinkDragon+

 

 

 

 

 


Trouble with Red.

​Can’t believe I’m actually in tears because I’m having such a horrible Valentine’s day. I think I’ve never cried on this day. I don’t even know why I’m crying and I guess sometimes pro analysing skills don’t help when you need it the most..

There is love all around and with all due respect to romance and love (was an ardent believer of the mush), I feel like shooting everything romantic I see around me.. 

I feel feverish not just physically but also emotionally. I could shop for hours at straight right now.. but can’t shop for two months. Not until my goals are reached. (Self restrain) Maybe I should focus on studying, and my aqua fitness class that I have to go to in some hours. And, also at completing my chart papers and work. 

What I really need right now is a cup of hot chocolate and two broke girls. Post binge watching, I’m going to get back to my to do list for today which is really long.

Feels really good to be back here though. Missed this.

+PinkDragon+


Choices.. that make up our life.

We make so many choices every single day. What to wear, what to eat, which movie to watch, which website to shop from, which places to go to… the list is endless. The innumerable little choices that make our day.

Though there are some choices in life that are more important than the others. It influences our life in more ways than one. These are the big decisions. Life as it is, brings us to many crossroads, and much to our dismay, we gotta make that choice.

Certain choices are heartbreaking. It hurts to give up and let go of something you always wanted. Happiness is here and now, they say. Does this save me from making a choice about my future? Not really, still got to make that choice. (Wish we could pick up a chit and that would be all.)

Me being the person I am, I’ll analyze my life, my desires, my dreams, my wishes.. my past and my dreams for the future. Well, if I got to make a choice, I might as well make a well thought of one.

My whirlpool of thoughts have made me lose my sleep. Why does it have to be so difficult? Why do I have to stress about things so so much? Life would be simple without all those sleepless nights and ‘what ifs?’ dancing along my bedside.

Deciding to leave my favorite city burns a hole in my heart. But ‘kahi pahuchne ke liye, kahi se nikalna zaruri hota hai‘ (To reach a destination, you got to move from where you currently are.)

My dreams scare me. They’re crazy and maybe even impossible. It’s thrilling yet so scary.

“What if I don’t make it?”, my over cautious loud mind shrieks.

A faint voice whispers from within,

“but shiv, what if you do!”

+PinkDragon+


This too shall pass. (hopefully)

Her biggest nightmare was not knowing what to do next in life.

I’ve always been the person who had Plan A, B and C ready. Probably even more. I was always well prepared..sorted. Today, I’m not sure about anything. I don’t know which way to go, what plan to work on, which life to choose..

Often, I shut my eyes and try hard to listen to what my heart really, really wants. Damn the noise pollution within, I don’t hear shit. Maybe because my brain is too loud. Or I’ve lost my power to discriminate the voices in my mind..

Maybe I had to experience what it’s like being this way, maybe it was long overdue.

I’m sure this too shall pass. It needs to get better. It will, right?

I don’t like being like this. I don’t like having tears all the time. It gets so frustrating feeling this way. The shrink says fall in love with yourself. When did I stop loving myself and how come I never figured it out? Why did I not know and take charge of it. Why did I let it become so bad that I don’t remember changing into this.

I’ve been home for a week for my diwali break. I still don’t feel better.Why don’t I feel better.. Why am I so disinterested in making it better..

I have never shed a tear for years, are all the tears coming out together now?

I just want to be happy.. Genuinely happy, from the bottom of my heart happy.

+Pink Dragon+

 

 

 

 


Desperate for home.

Be careful of what you wish for, because it might actually come true.

Being a teacher in a low income school has been rather frustrating. Each day I’m fighting with the redundant system. And that isn’t even a major part of my struggle here, in the city of dreams.

Mumbai! I entered this city some months ago with a strong sense of possibility brewing within me. Today, I wish I hadn’t come here. I wish I was back home continuing with my struggle there.

Life here has been miserable. I’m dragging myself through this, one day at a time. Maybe I’m tired of my failed attempts at making it better. But have I really tried my all? Is it truly my time to pack up and leave? I don’t know.

“Its just a phase” “It gets better” “You’re just homesick” “Its been 5 months, give it time” “Why don’t you go out” “Just chill”

I’m so sick of hearing this from the few close people I talk to that its become self deprecatingly humorous.

I live with a mentally unstable PG lady and really mean selfish people. They comprise of most of my struggle. Figuring out your meals, teaching 61 kids alone, being in a long distance relationship, the wobbly and exhausting structure of the organisation I work for, having my only friend 20 kms away from me and close relatives 30 kms away, missing my parents and brothers, missing my friends, missing adi.. Figuring out how this city isn’t for me. I’m way too simple and boring to survive in this manipulative world that I never wish to be a part of..

I don’t know if its depression that’s set in, or really “just a phase” like everyone says. I want to go back home.. I want to go home.

I really really want to go home, and never come to this city again.

I want to go home, not for some random break. I want to leave and go back home.

Are you listening God?

+ PinkDragon +