Is it okay to be okay with just being okay?

I have always prayed for a life full of love. Never wanted too much, just enough, to be. There are days I’m fueled to own all luxury brands in my walk-in closet, and there are moments when I have to let go of something I want.

For me, success is defined by the amount of joy that pumps through my heart, through the rest of my life.

I wont call myself a failure in life if I don’t have a villa with a built-in Jacuzzi, but will truly be one when I wont be in a happy healthy relationship with my partner. I wont be a failure when I don’t receive public acclamation, and my picture isn’t on the front or any page of the paper about the success I have achieved in life, but will be a failure when I don’t smile back at a child. I wont be a failure if I don’t have a bunch of people to socialize with every weekend, but will be a failure when my best friend and I have so much distance between us.

I crave a life with my best friend by my side, hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder. A life where we are both creatively exhausted. A life where we just are, not chasing anything but living our dream and working on fulfilling more of them. Joy isn’t something that can be bought, or hunted down. It’s a verb for me, just like love is. I want to make joy with both of my hands every single day of my life. I crave a simple life, enveloped in nature and not asphyxiated in the humdrum of life in today’s world.

I don’t want the things the world wants for me. I want to be with my best friend, laugh and smile with him, make memories, even when we are 14,069 kms away, feel secure and loved even during our toughest days. I want to hug my best friend and tell him I love you, I love you. I don’t want us to be away. I hate the distance.

I don’t want a lot, yet today, I feel like a failure

+ PinkDragon +

To always knowing your worth.

“I will tell you, my daughter

of your worth

not your beauty

everyday. (your beauty is a given. Every being is born beautiful)

Knowing your worth,

can save your life

Raising you on beauty alone;

you will be starved

you will be raw

you will be weak

an easy stomach

always in need of someone telling you how beautiful you are. ”

 

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”

I often wondered why people were so crazy about that city. What could possibly happen in that darned claustrophobic place that made everyone a heartfelt writer when they wrote about Bombay. It’s messy, it’s super fast, it’s insanely expensive and over there, time truly means money.

My time in Bombay or like they call it Mumbai, was nothing less than a roller coaster ride.  From the time I left my city and began my journey, I had no clue what life would be like, but one thing I was certain of, it won’t ever be the same.

Today, one year later I’m back to the place I was longing to leave. I took a decision to come back and continue my education. It was a wise and rational move keeping in mind where I see myself 5 and 10 years down the line.

But it hurts so much to be wise in life sometimes. I miss Mumbai so much. I miss being the person that I was there. I miss breathing that salty air, I miss the black and yellow cabs. The streets of bandra hill road, my absolutely favorite south bombay, my nutella shake, the local rides (I could literally write a book on my experiences in the local), the ola shares. The feeling of being in Forever21 and shopping. Zara! The live music nights, dancing like my tomorrow will be happier than its ever been. Grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning (had no idea I’d miss this!). My aqua aerobics, my quest to be better in life, to eat better, to think better, to love better. Life was nothing less than a full blown struggle over there, and I had come to love living that life.

I have felt a myriad of emotions and feelings in the city of dreams. It started with excitement, rigor, nervousness, then feeling helpless with accommodation, angry at the unfairness, aggrieved and upset with myself and life, that slowly transcended into strength, grit to stand up back on my feet, acceptance, new found belief and love for myself.

Plus the sea, it always made everything better..

When I look back at my journey, I feel so proud of going through whatever I did and coming out of it stronger, happier and better. Since I’ve been back, I’ve had this inexplicable feeling of loneliness. Ironically, I have everyone I love around me, fighting their own battles and demons.

Before I lose my train of thought, I have to mention how deeply thankful I am to the universe for giving my wanderer soul food for thought (and travel). I have traveled to 10 cities in the past one year and I couldn’t have been more thankful for the memories I have made. Exactly one year back I had never imagined the countless memories, experiences and opportunities this one year would give me. I dint know I could travel alone, discover new places on my own, survive and live on my own.

The feeling when you board that flight on your own, when you’re alone with your thoughts with no connectivity, watching the clouds and just being is beautiful beyond words. The nervousness when you enter an absolutely new city at night, the strength and courage and feeling of accomplishment that comes when you take an uber to your destination on your own and arrive safe, sound and happy. The feeling of independence and strength that you get from carrying all your luggage on your own. Travelling doesn’t just fill your camera roll, it also fills your soul.

Along with all the living alone and discovering them cities, I started to discover myself. I believe I know myself better, though I’m still a little lost, but that’s okay I guess.

I wish to travel ❤ and live in many cities of the world, but along with that, I also wish that I get to live in Mumbai again.. It has been my best hello and hardest goodbye. It added a prefix to my #princess, it made me a #warriorprincess.

PinkDragon will always belong to Mumbai; It will always be home.

+ PinkDragon +

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Continue reading

Trouble with Red.

​Can’t believe I’m actually in tears because I’m having such a horrible Valentine’s day. I think I’ve never cried on this day. I don’t even know why I’m crying and I guess sometimes pro analysing skills don’t help when you need it the most..

There is love all around and with all due respect to romance and love (was an ardent believer of the mush), I feel like shooting everything romantic I see around me.. 

I feel feverish not just physically but also emotionally. I could shop for hours at straight right now.. but can’t shop for two months. Not until my goals are reached. (Self restrain) Maybe I should focus on studying, and my aqua fitness class that I have to go to in some hours. And, also at completing my chart papers and work. 

What I really need right now is a cup of hot chocolate and two broke girls. Post binge watching, I’m going to get back to my to do list for today which is really long.

Feels really good to be back here though. Missed this.

+PinkDragon+

Choices.. that make up our life.

We make so many choices every single day. What to wear, what to eat, which movie to watch, which website to shop from, which places to go to… the list is endless. The innumerable little choices that make our day.

Though there are some choices in life that are more important than the others. It influences our life in more ways than one. These are the big decisions. Life as it is, brings us to many crossroads, and much to our dismay, we gotta make that choice.

Certain choices are heartbreaking. It hurts to give up and let go of something you always wanted. Happiness is here and now, they say. Does this save me from making a choice about my future? Not really, still got to make that choice. (Wish we could pick up a chit and that would be all.)

Me being the person I am, I’ll analyze my life, my desires, my dreams, my wishes.. my past and my dreams for the future. Well, if I got to make a choice, I might as well make a well thought of one.

My whirlpool of thoughts have made me lose my sleep. Why does it have to be so difficult? Why do I have to stress about things so so much? Life would be simple without all those sleepless nights and ‘what ifs?’ dancing along my bedside.

Deciding to leave my favorite city burns a hole in my heart. But ‘kahi pahuchne ke liye, kahi se nikalna zaruri hota hai‘ (To reach a destination, you got to move from where you currently are.)

My dreams scare me. They’re crazy and maybe even impossible. It’s thrilling yet so scary.

“What if I don’t make it?”, my over cautious loud mind shrieks.

A faint voice whispers from within,

“but shiv, what if you do!”

+PinkDragon+

This too shall pass. (hopefully)

Her biggest nightmare was not knowing what to do next in life.

I’ve always been the person who had Plan A, B and C ready. Probably even more. I was always well prepared..sorted. Today, I’m not sure about anything. I don’t know which way to go, what plan to work on, which life to choose..

Often, I shut my eyes and try hard to listen to what my heart really, really wants. Damn the noise pollution within, I don’t hear shit. Maybe because my brain is too loud. Or I’ve lost my power to discriminate the voices in my mind..

Maybe I had to experience what it’s like being this way, maybe it was long overdue.

I’m sure this too shall pass. It needs to get better. It will, right?

I don’t like being like this. I don’t like having tears all the time. It gets so frustrating feeling this way. The man says fall in love with yourself. When did I stop loving myself and how come I never figured it out? Why did I not know and take charge of it. Why did I let it become so bad that I don’t remember changing into this.

I’ve been home for a week for my diwali break. I still don’t feel better.Why don’t I feel better.. Why am I so disinterested in making it better..

I have never shed a tear for years, are all the tears coming out together now?

I just want to be happy.. Genuinely happy, from the bottom of my heart happy.

+Pink Dragon+

 

 

 

 

Desperate for home.

Be careful of what you wish for, because it might actually come true.

Being a teacher in a low income school has been rather frustrating. Each day I’m fighting with the redundant system. And that isn’t even a major part of my struggle here, in the city of dreams.

Mumbai! I entered this city some months ago with a strong sense of possibility brewing within me. Today, I wish I hadn’t come here. I wish I was back home continuing with my struggle there.

Life here has been miserable. I’m dragging myself through this, one day at a time. Maybe I’m tired of my failed attempts at making it better. But have I really tried my all? Is it truly my time to pack up and leave? I don’t know.

“Its just a phase” “It gets better” “You’re just homesick” “Its been 5 months, give it time” “Why don’t you go out” “Just chill”

I’m so sick of hearing this from the few close people I talk to that its become self deprecatingly humorous.

I live with a mentally unstable PG lady and really mean selfish people. They comprise of most of my struggle. Figuring out your meals, teaching 61 kids alone, being in a long distance relationship, the wobbly and exhausting structure of the organisation I work for, having my only friend 20 kms away from me and close relatives 30 kms away, missing my parents and brothers, missing my friends, missing adi.. Figuring out how this city isn’t for me. I’m way too simple and boring to survive in this manipulative world that I never wish to be a part of..

I don’t know if its depression that’s set in, or really “just a phase” like everyone says. I want to go back home.. I want to go home.

I really really want to go home, and never come to this city again.

I want to go home, not for some random break. I want to leave and go back home.

Are you listening God?

+ PinkDragon +

 

 

 

 

All that glitters isn’t Tinsel

It’s two years old. I miss her. A lot actually. It’s just that we grow up and have less and less time to catch up with the people we love and miss, even though we probably do NOTHING constructive cause that’s how lazy we are.
Hey there, you! I miss you. And someone somewhere wishes the best for you. 🙂

abstracthues

Look up at the midnight sky, there’s hardly any stars up there anymore visible to us. At least not in the part of  the city where I live. Some are hiding and some have lost their way and dropped down on Earth. One such star is Tinsel.

If you’ve seen Peter Pan and noticed ‘Tinker Bell‘

the glow around her is exactly what I see around Tinsel. She’s always surrounded by the glow of the stardust!

Had I seen the movie after I got to know her, I swear I’d have been out there, screaming my lungs out, “I do believe in fairies!”

She’s one of the nicest person I’ve come across in the past eighteen years of my life! I love you so so so so so so much!!

And yes, she’s also the one who’s been a huge inspiration for me writing a blog today!!

View original post 48 more words

HNY it is!

Happy New Year everyone! 🙂

Happy 2k15 everyone. I hope you all have a great year! May this year bring in a lot of positivism and happiness. May we all become better individuals. May we all get closer to where we intend to reach in our lives.

Let’s start this new year on an insightful note. Let us all respect the ones who love and care for us. A lot of us complain of not being treated the right way by our loved ones. How about we change our perspectives. If we treat everyone we meet with kindness and sincerity and vouch never to intentionally hurt someone with our insensitive words and consciously make an effort to screen our sharp words maybe, just maybe we wont be treated that way too.

Work hard, love enough and partyyy! Cause baby, we all just have one lifetime to do everything that we want to.

+ PinkDragon +

Are we ever ‘ready’ to lose our loved ones?

One of my closest friends lost her mother today morning. Aunty was one of the happiest people I knew, always cracking jokes and someone who had an absolutely delightful sense of humor. She hadn’t been taking her pressure medicines from a few days which caused her pressure to drop alarmingly, which eventually led to brain hemorrhage. All of this happened in just 4 days.. Where ever you are aunty, may you rest in peace. I promise I’ll take care of A.

More than often we procrastinate. “I’ll catch up tomorrow” or “I’m waiting for the right time” or “After my exams or this particular date, I’ll spend time or figure things out”. Unconsciously, we take life for granted. So much so that life has to sometimes wake us up in the most unexpected of ways. No matter how much I do, I will never really understand my friend’s pain of losing her mother. We can never ever be ready to lose our loved ones..

A, you know I love you. I always have and I always will. I’m sorry but you have to bear with my lame jokes and stupid one liners which make you laugh none the less. Your wall will always be there. My extremely long bear hugs are reserved, just for you.

Always. :*

+ PinkDragon +